When I Don't Know What Happens Next

I’ve been having a bit of a hard time lately.

Not necessarily in a way that I know how to explain, and definitely not in a way that I feel ready to put all over the internet.

There are some things I want to keep for myself.

But I’ve been thinking a lot about what happens to me when I don’t feel okay. When I feel like I’m falling short. When I feel misunderstood. When I don’t know how something is going to turn out.

I have this tendency to want answers immediately. I want to know how the conversation is going to end. How tomorrow is going to feel. Whether everything is going to be okay. Whether I said the right thing. Whether I could have handled something differently. I want to know the ending before I’ve even made it through the middle.

And when I can’t know, I panic.

I think this is something I’ve been learning about myself for a long time, but lately I’ve been seeing it a little more clearly.

Sometimes I don't actually need to fix anything. I just need to tolerate not knowing. Which, apparently, is one of the hardest things in the world for me.

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to get ahead of uncomfortable feelings. If I’m anxious, I want reassurance. If I’m hurt, I want to talk it out immediately. If I feel like I’ve messed something up, I want to fix it before I’ve even had a chance to understand what happened.

And when I feel like I’ve fallen short, I can be especially hard on myself. I turn one moment into a much bigger story.

One bad day becomes, “I’m failing.”

One difficult feeling becomes, “Something is wrong.”

One mistake becomes evidence that I’m somehow back at the beginning.

And before I know it, I’ve taken something that needed patience and turned it into something that feels like an emergency.

I’m realizing that not every uncomfortable feeling is a problem that needs to be solved.

Sometimes it’s just a feeling.

Sometimes I’m allowed to be disappointed without deciding what it means about my entire life.

Sometimes I can have a bad day without making it a bad week.

Sometimes I can feel like I’m falling short without actually falling apart.

I think a big part of growing up is learning the difference between something actually being wrong and simply feeling like something is wrong because you’re overwhelmed.

I’m still learning that distinction. And I’m learning that I don't have to react to every emotion the second I feel it.

I can take a walk.

I can clean my house.

I can write.

I can make dinner.

I can put my phone down.

I can go to bed and let tomorrow have its own chance to exist.

I can remind myself that I don't have to figure out the rest of my life tonight.

That last one has been particularly difficult for me. Because I really, really like knowing what happens next. But maybe there is something beautiful about letting life unfold without constantly trying to get ahead of it.

Maybe peace isn't always knowing that everything will work out.

Maybe peace is knowing that whatever happens, I'll be able to meet it when it gets here.

I’m trying to stop turning every moment of uncertainty into something I have to escape from.

I’m trying to stop assuming that every hard feeling means I’m doing something wrong.

And, perhaps most importantly, I’m trying to learn how to stay with myself when I don't feel like the best version of myself.

Because I think that's the part I've been missing.

It's easy to love yourself when you're productive, happy, healthy, motivated and feeling like you've got everything together. It's much harder when you're emotional.

When you're tired.

When you're anxious.

When you've said something you wish you'd said differently.

When you're questioning yourself.

When you don't know what comes next.

But maybe that's when I need myself the most....so I'm practicing.

Not fixing.

Not running.

Not trying to predict the ending.

Just practicing staying.

Staying through the uncomfortable parts.

Staying through the uncertainty.

Staying long enough to remember that one difficult season doesn't get to define the whole story.

I don't know exactly what I'm learning right now. But I think I'm learning that I don't need to know what happens next and I just need to be here for what happens now.